Distorted Perceptions

According to the dictionary, perception means an individuals understanding based on their senses. This understanding may not necessarily be correct as it is based on feelings or stories a person has heard.

In the Kenyan context, nowadays, being a single mother is an everyday thing. In fact my aunt from Shags has severally told me that it is better to be over 25years old with a child than 35years, childless and husband less.
I do not entirely agree with her but I must admit that life is fuller with Sonny by my side.

I appreciate my independence more when I meet with my miserable married friends, some of whom are battered by their husbands in front of the kids. I even have a friend who had a miscarriage after her husband punched several blows to her 5month old pregnant belly. Although I helped her move out to a safe place, one month later she was back with her battering husband who only gave her a week or two off before he resumed with the battering. I see no reason raising Sonny up to think that women are bunching bags or door mats.

Don't misunderstand, I am not saying that all marriages are miserable, am just saying that single-hood is also great. As a single mother my decisions concerning both my fate and that of my son are final. I don't have to bounce off my ideas to anyone unless its absolutely necessarily and mainly I only do it for advice and I consult an expert in the field. I don't have to listen to little white lies, question why someone is coming home late and most of all I don't have a fool telling me that need to loose weight, dress in a certain way and other related nonsense.

Sonny resembles his father in many ways. For instance he is very light/fair skinned while I dark- typical African look- but, so help me God I will not raise a coward who cannot take responsibility of his actions. I don't know the first thing about being a man, but I do know responsibility and respect.

Back to the perceptions issues. Many married women are withstanding a lot of crap from their husbands. Am not talking about the little tiffs and misunderstandings that happen in any relationship, am talking about physical   abuse and mistreatment as well as sexual immorality! Jesus himself allowed for divorce on grounds of sexual immorality (check it out in Matthew 19:9). These women stick it out in misery and pain thinking that they are doing it for the children. The truth that they do not say is that they think being a single mother seems like the hardest thing. This is just a perception. Single motherhood is fun! Parenting is not straight forward whether in marriage or in single-hood. But I believe that it is harder when you are wounded and not thinking straight. In a later blog I will talk about getting organised after the baby comes home (post natal) where i'l give a few tips on organizing yourself to get the most out of life and ensure your child is taken care of with or without the help of a husband.

Getting Organised Ante-Natal

When it hit me that I would be a single mum, I had to fight with many emotions. The greatest for me was shame and vulnerability.

I was ashamed because I thought that I should have known better. I was raised in a strict Christian home where we were taught (read implied) that sex happens only after marriage. This was so engrained in me that I used to look at single mothers and judge them. I saw them as either careless or highly promiscuous. Yet here I am in the same situation.

I felt vulnerable because the whole parenthood thing seemed too hard for one person, I imagined that my married friends had it easier. The feeling of vulnerability came about because I did not know what to do, where to begin or who to talk to objectively, a person who would not condemn me to hell.

The first five months of my pregnancy were very lonely as I tried to figure it all out. Then I dusted my self up and did the following:

1.  I forgave myself.  This was the first thing I did and it helped me get organized. I knew that I am not promiscuous, I just got carried away. I needed a fan base so I broke the news to people who had unconditionally supported me throughout the years. Also the more I talked about it the more I got used to being pregnant. By forgiving my self I accepted the situation fully and decided that my life would move on uninterrupted, despite the fact that I was now a statistic – Single Mother.
2.  Research. I went on the web and goggled all I could get on mother hood. I looked for sites that talked about the various stages of pregnancy and what I needed to do at each stage. I checked out videos of a normal pregnancy and a C-section. I was not getting a good salary then so I decided I would go the natural birth way plus it seemed easier.
3.  Ante Natal clinics. I went for my clinics without fail.
4.  Take care of yourself. From the internet I learned about taking folic acid supplements (which cost a fortune by the way), exercise, diet, how to sleep etc. I followed the rules to the letter. I joined a forum where I read other mothers stories and shared mine.
5.  Love your bump. When I forgave myself and realized that I was alone in this, I also realized that if I did not accept the child he would be more alone in the world, with a mother who did not love him. Loving my unborn child was not automatic, neither was it easy because I had so much resentment towards his father.  I had not planned for him (the pregnancy) and to some extent he was an inconvenience or an interruption to my life. I had to talk to him daily and tell him how I looked forward to meeting him, that I loved him, that we would be great friends.
6.  Living at home. This meant breaking the news to my parents. I first told my mum who did not talk to me for two full weeks and when she did it was about how much shame I had put on the family. My dad reacted so differently. He welcomed the child and said that the baby whether male or female would need a father figure and he was ready to do it. I was shocked, I had expected my father to send me packing and as far away from his house as possible but he instead embraced the whole situation and even offered to sponsor the hospital bill! Living at home is not easy. Infact for a person used to her own independence living at home is a nightmare. But I have had to swallow my pride on numerous occasions and comply to my parents rules, not for myself but for Sonny (my son)
7. Shopping. As a single mum you bear the burden of cost, on your own. I took a walk to Biashara Street and found out all the things a baby needs. From the fliers they gave me I ticked what I thought was necessary. I them went to Gikomba. At Gikomba one can get everything at a cheap price, same quality but cheaper than even Toi in Kibera. Consider a hat or a feeder/bib only Costs 5bob. The secret is to go early in the morning when they open the bales and to buy a complete outfit at a time i.e. a trouser, t-shirt and sweater each costing between 30-50bob. There is even a big market inside Gikomba where I bought brand new vests, nappies and ‘suruali za mukojo.’ I went home and washed them thoroughly and disinfected them. Then I ironed and packed them ready for the baby.  By the time I was seven months pregnant I had done all my shopping except for the actual bed. The entire shopping plus beddings, basins for bath time and plastic bottles cost me Ksh 5500.
8. The hospital bill. This worried me the most because when I was about 6 months pregnant I quit from my job. I checked out a few hospitals. I visited their labour wards and peeped into their empty delivery rooms (its amazing how willing the nurses are at giving a tour on request). I booked a hospital long before my due date and paid a deposit. I did all I could to ensure mine was a normal delivery but I was not ignorant of the fact that emergencies happen, so my dad’s offer was my plan B.
9.  Prayer. Despite the fact that I have put this as the last thing, it is actually the most important and the first thing I did. Without prayer I would never have accepted and loved Sonny. I got good deals, tips and extra ordinary wisdom on what I needed to do simply because I prayed. God enabled me to have a normal delivery because I asked him for that. Most important He still takes care of sonny and I to date.