The truth is everything starts in the mind. I remember wondering how it felt being pregnant especially when I saw pregnant women dragging their feet in town. I had just turned 30 years, a bit disillusioned by the many dreams that had not come true. In fact other than the phone calls from my siblings living abroad, it was the most boring birthday I have ever had.
When I called SG (father of the child) to ask him if we could meet, though we had not been having a casual fling I felt unsure of what his reaction would be. We had a few drinks but I could not sermon the courage. So as he was walking me to catch a Matatu, we walked hand in hand in silence/tension - could he sense the bomb that was about to explode- I just blurted out "Am pregnant!" To date I still cannot decide whether the look on his face was shock, disgust, disbelief or just indigestion. But I did not hear from him for a full week and when he called, it was to tell me that I like guessing a lot and that I needed to do a proper, professional pregnancy test, never mind that I had already done the home test (which according to him is jua kali).
So I complied. We met, went to a chemist- where I did another home pregnancy test and Surprise!!! am pregnant. This time SG was visibly and thoroughly angry. He stormed out of the chemist and left me there.
Two weeks later he called to apologise. I remember crying my eyes out as he talked about how we were not ready to get married given his perceived lower middle class status leave alone have a baby...at 30 and him 34 how much more ready can we be??? there are many ways of refusing to take resposnibility but this was as lame as it gets.
He even suggested that I have an abortion. Of course he would cater for everything and he knew a nice safe place...blah blah in between the sobs I heard very little, to me the conversation ended when he suggested I have an abortion. Of all the rules in the bible this is the one I was not ready to break, ignore the fact that I was already fornicating which also disobeys the bible! What SG did not know is that despite the embarrassing situation on my own or with him, I had already made up my mind to keep the baby.
I called CN who was already a single mum. Her reassurances that these things are kawa and that 90% of the girls in church are pretenders was comforting. She also told me that the best thing I could do for myself and the baby was to join an Internet community (in Kenya though we- single mums are now a common phenomenon, there is little or no support for single mums except each other and of course the Internet).
Sonny (my son) is turning 2 this August. The minute I accepted my lot was the day I loved the boy whole heartedly with no reservations. This unexplainable love has helped me defend him and myself from negative people and hurtful words. When I made up my mind to succeed in my new status, life became beautiful and fulfilling.
Single motherhood is and can be scaring when you are at the crossroads of decision. If you are a single mum I would urge you to keep and love the baby. In Kenya children are seen as 'his' but the child/pregnancy is only half of him, the other half is you. It takes two to make a baby. Make up your mind to be the best mother you can be then sit back and watch the pieces fall into place.
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