Would life have been easier if we know how it would turn out even before we uttered the first word. What if all my life I grew up knowing that I was destined to become a great author, a motivational speaker and life coach to kids, how different would I have lived my life? What if after hustling with all that school I was in fact just meant to be a 'Mama Mboga' with a chain of vegetable stands in every estate or a Mitumba hawker?
Experiences are good. They mold you into the person you eventually become. For instance growing up, my school life was miserable academically I was just an average most times below average student, which exposed me to the wrath of most of my teachers. However, I really loved reading and writing both English and Kiswahili and History was my favorite subject. In those three subjects I religiously scored A's. Thus I understand very well what an average student goes through. So what do I do with this understanding? One thing is for sure...So help me God, Sonny will not go through the whole 'make it in school or be a failure in life' speech I had to listen to on numerous occasions. Although school is important - I do not oppose that, but it is not the be all and end all of life. This is something we only realize when we are through with school. I Mean look at 90% of self made multi-millionaires and billionaires in this country, those who have not inherited the wealth from their fathers/ancestors are not highly educated. Even the likes of Mariga the soccer guy, or musicians like Jaguar, Jua Kali and the like do not hold PhD's in their fields or any other fields.
I recently learnt that within the average human being, lies between 500-700 talents. This came as a shock to me as all along I have struggled to pin point my talent. But after this lesson, where my eyes were opened, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that indeed I am a mini maestro in many things.
Today's blog is not restricted to single mothers but applies to all mothers, why put your young one through unecessary pressure rather than developing their already in-built talents.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Monday, 15 August 2011
Shoulders to Lean On...At a Price!
The other day I meet an old friend actually a mutual friend of Sonny's dad (SG) and I. MM, our friend was so happy to see me after almost a year of what he insisted, was me avoiding him. When SG and I started seriously dating, MM cautioned me about SG telling me that I would not be an exception to the long line of broken hearts, 'Majuto ni mujuku' - regret always comes long after the wise words of caution. I have since discovered I have a thing for bad boys - Ok maybe not the extremely bad but the exciting bad – if at all that is a justification. I tend to see these guys as fun loving, out going but unfortunately they lack depth and run at the first sight of responsibility.
Anyway that is not what today's story is about.
So MM after the usual glee that follows an I-told-you-so discussion, went all serious. He knows and understands me very well. We began talking about funny stories that have been in the media lately and the story of Samuel Wanjiru's mum came up. It was amazing how many men came up claiming that they were Sam's father. But why do such things happen, I mean what would make so many men come up after many years of absenteeism and would the same thing have happened if Sam was your regular Joe?
In my opinion it all boils down to reactions. How people react to different situations. Take for instance how men react to the revelation that a woman is a single mother. I am not referring to the kind hearted souls who have your best interest at heart, am talking about a majority of the men see the woman as an easy catch. They pursue with comforting words, use her and leave her more vulnerable than she was.
Women’s reaction – In most cases desperation and a feeling that she needs to redeem herself or correct her mistake. From my observation, when a woman is dumped after declaring that she is pregnant, it is very easy for her to get a second pregnancy from a different man altogether, or in some cases the same guy who damped her in the first place.
This is because there is a feeling of vulnerability that comes upon a woman struggling on her own. Also, the number of “shoulder’s to lean on” increase almost overnight. I mean the number of fake male empathizers who surfaced and to ask me what kind of loser would let go of a beautiful lady and a dotting son. Of course the empathy was limited to fun with no stings attached. Fortunately for me I was too disillusioned by the departure of SG to even go out with anyone, plus I had sworn off men for at least one and a half years. Also for me I had a session with my pastor that went a long way in sobering me up. I will be eternally grateful.
Back to Sam Wanjiru’s Mum, perhaps after the real dad of Sam dumped the her, she probably went for the nearest shoulder (s) to cry on. Of course such comforting sessions maybe accompanied by a roll in the hay. She may not have thought such harmless fun would haunt her so many years later.
If you find yourself in the same situation I would recommend that before you go for comfort to people who have none of your interests at heart, then you are left stranded and humiliated by the number of "fathers" claiming ownership not only of the physical assets but also of the investment of time, sweat and tears that it has taken to raise the child, Think twice and even thrice or four times if necessary.
If you find yourself in the same situation I would recommend that before you go for comfort to people who have none of your interests at heart, then you are left stranded and humiliated by the number of "fathers" claiming ownership not only of the physical assets but also of the investment of time, sweat and tears that it has taken to raise the child, Think twice and even thrice or four times if necessary.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Breast Feeding
This week we are celebrating breast feeding week. As part of my job, I visited the Wangige Health Center which was representing the Central province health office.
In addition to supporting this cause, I was there as a proud mother who breast fed exclusively for six months and continued breast feeding until Sonny was 1 year old when he voluntarily stopped. According to the pediatricians exclusive breast feeding for six months is one of the main reasons behind sonny walking at only 10months and talking understandable phrases by the time he was 1year 8months. Also I would like to add like any other mother out there, my child is very bright and cute.
In addition to supporting this cause, I was there as a proud mother who breast fed exclusively for six months and continued breast feeding until Sonny was 1 year old when he voluntarily stopped. According to the pediatricians exclusive breast feeding for six months is one of the main reasons behind sonny walking at only 10months and talking understandable phrases by the time he was 1year 8months. Also I would like to add like any other mother out there, my child is very bright and cute.
Like any other natural process breast feeding is surrounded by many unknowns and a few little tricks:
- Breast Milk is not satisfying. The child especially if a boy will not get satisfied on breast milk only, that is why he cries so often. This is the biggest misconception I came across. True, Sonny would suckle until sometimes I would feel dizzy but Sonny was not the problem I was. Initially, my diet was poor because some of the foods that were being pushed my way were in my list of non favorites but I discovered a lot during my breast feeding days.
- The best stimulant for milk production is water. Yes its true. After several attempts with porridge three times a day, water worked great for me. My best friend who is a nurse one day just recommended this simple product after assuring me that I wouldn't faint for lack of something heavy. Not only did water open up the breast taps but it also helped me a lot with the constipation that accompanies a normal delivery. Although eating a lot of Njahi's (black beans), porridge and endless amounts of soup has certain benefits to the body, water is instrumental in 'manufacturing' sufficient amounts of milk.
- Dry and cracked nipples. BONJELA the magic healer. I was given this tip by my Ob-gyn. I went to him in so much discomfort and pain after only having the baby for one week at home. He recommended Bonjela which would not affect the baby since it is edible and would not hurt my cracked and dry nipples. I did not suffer from dry and cracked nipples during the entire breast feeding season because every time I felt my nipples were dry, I applied this cream and the pain would subside. However, this worked for me, consult your doctor before doing the same.
- Invest in a nice breast pump. In case you have no access to one you can easily express by just squeezing the breast with warm water.
- If one has not breast fed for a certain amount of time the milk does not become stale. Well, at least from Sonny's point of view there was no change. Maybe a pediatrician out there can correct me. What I do know is that hygiene and cleanliness of the breasts is important.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Single Mothers are Worse Than Married woman
Today I was listening to a hot debate that was raging on radio that single mothers are worse parents than married mothers. The debate had been raised by a single mother whose neighbor (a married woman) does not allow their children to play together, reason being since the single mother's child does not have a father, the little girl should be some sought of outcast. I couldn't help but wonder who thinks like that in the 21st century??
But before we get all judgmental on the neighbor let us examine some of our everyday behaviors.
Recently, there was an interesting court case where four sisters have sued their brother for taking possession of their father's property claiming that since he was the only boy he had a right to the property (both parents were deceased). The man was arguing that the sisters would get married and have rights to their husbands properties. Suppose one of his sisters was a single mother, whose property would she have rights to?
It is very unfortunate that despite the fact that the government has introduced free primary education with the sole purpose of reducing illiteracy levels and thereby hoping to improving how we think and possibly our interactions with the rest of the world, there are still people who think in the same way our ancestors thought. And by the way they are very good at pointing out the spek in a single mother's eye and forgetting the log in theirs.
One married women called into the radio station first bragging that she had the perfect marriage, then expressing her disgust on single motherhood...you would think that the callers were crucifying their neighborhood prostitute. "Nyumba yenye haina mwanaume ni nyumba ya umalaya - A house without a man is a whore-house". These comments were uncalled for, considering that motherhood is universally a hard job be it in marriage or not. Another man called in and commented "kwani huo dame alpo panua miguu ovyo ovyo alikua ana fikiria aje - what was the single mother thinking when she was spreading her legs carelessly". I mean, even the lingo used is derogatory. Or does it mean that married women have sex with their legs tightly crossed? No offence, but how come no one blames the irresponsible idiot who took off at the first sign of responsibility? Why can't they blame him for not keeping his instrument firmly out of trouble? Or he was just a lucky passerby?
I don't expect society to sympathise with a single mother because single motherhood is not a disability, all am asking is for married women to shed off their holier-than-thou attitude.
Life is not only unpredictable but fate has a way of making a person eat their words.
Suppose this very married woman one day discovered that actually her 'perfect' husband was actually a father to other children outside their 'perfect' marriage, what would she say then? Suppose life and its circumstances resulted in her getting a divorce from her husband, wouldn't she be a single mother who is a divorcee all in one? What would be her sentiments then?
Until something has happened to you, one cannot fully comprehend how much composure it takes to reorganize and then try and make life as normal as possible.
Children born to single mothers need a father figure and to be accepted as children, no strings or tags attached such as illegitimate which means criminal/dishonest. If anything the person to blame is solely the father for not taking care of his family which is his God-given role on this earth.
I don't expect society to sympathise with a single mother because single motherhood is not a disability, all am asking is for married women to shed off their holier-than-thou attitude.
Life is not only unpredictable but fate has a way of making a person eat their words.
Suppose this very married woman one day discovered that actually her 'perfect' husband was actually a father to other children outside their 'perfect' marriage, what would she say then? Suppose life and its circumstances resulted in her getting a divorce from her husband, wouldn't she be a single mother who is a divorcee all in one? What would be her sentiments then?
Until something has happened to you, one cannot fully comprehend how much composure it takes to reorganize and then try and make life as normal as possible.
Children born to single mothers need a father figure and to be accepted as children, no strings or tags attached such as illegitimate which means criminal/dishonest. If anything the person to blame is solely the father for not taking care of his family which is his God-given role on this earth.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
"Oh You Have a Kid..."
It is so hilarious when I meet a guy who is showing some interest in me, with time as we continue to get acquainted, I break it to him that I am actually a mother. It takes less than 3minutes between the shocked/disappointed facial expressions, trying to remain calm and deciding that it is not worth it and bolting out the nearest exit. It cracks me up every time. At least it is an easy way for me to sieve out false starts before I take him seriously only to be disappointed.
I wear the title SINGLE MOTHER like a badge of honor. Anyway, as mentioned before, I am already a statistic. I love Sonny to bits and since he is already here, I am no longer just single I come with a package i.e. its a combo deal. So if a man cannot stand the heat he might as well get out of the kitchen!
So why do guys behave like cowards, yet they want to be respected. I say this in reference to men who are like SG (Sonny's dad). Its so easy for them to impregnate, so easy to recommend abortion, but so hard to be a father. Is responsibility that hard?? Or is responsibility wired into a woman's DNA but an acquired thing for men? These are the questions I ask myself. I see and hear stories of guys who sit back and wait for their wives to bring home the bacon. If this is a short term arrangement caused by job loss, illness e.t.c It's understandable, after all marriage is a team sport but if its a permanent thing where the lazy, couch potato man takes advantage of his hard working wife that's a whole other story... anyway I digress.
The other day I met a guy who had the charm of a prince and the swagga of a Knight in shinning armour. Needless to say I was smitten. From experience I know the existence of Sonny should come as a by the way a few dates later. I know a man reading this may be shaking his head and thinking that women are liars and wait for a man to invest emotionally so that the man is cornered. But that is not the case. I have learnt that the guys I meet although they show up for our 'dates' scouting for the possibility of a relationship, the revelation of Sonny in most cases results in a beautiful friendship.
I hope one of these days I will met a brave man who will love me for me, a combo deal, until then I will continue going for dates and acquiring friends, after all there is no such thing as having too many friends.
I wear the title SINGLE MOTHER like a badge of honor. Anyway, as mentioned before, I am already a statistic. I love Sonny to bits and since he is already here, I am no longer just single I come with a package i.e. its a combo deal. So if a man cannot stand the heat he might as well get out of the kitchen!
So why do guys behave like cowards, yet they want to be respected. I say this in reference to men who are like SG (Sonny's dad). Its so easy for them to impregnate, so easy to recommend abortion, but so hard to be a father. Is responsibility that hard?? Or is responsibility wired into a woman's DNA but an acquired thing for men? These are the questions I ask myself. I see and hear stories of guys who sit back and wait for their wives to bring home the bacon. If this is a short term arrangement caused by job loss, illness e.t.c It's understandable, after all marriage is a team sport but if its a permanent thing where the lazy, couch potato man takes advantage of his hard working wife that's a whole other story... anyway I digress.
The other day I met a guy who had the charm of a prince and the swagga of a Knight in shinning armour. Needless to say I was smitten. From experience I know the existence of Sonny should come as a by the way a few dates later. I know a man reading this may be shaking his head and thinking that women are liars and wait for a man to invest emotionally so that the man is cornered. But that is not the case. I have learnt that the guys I meet although they show up for our 'dates' scouting for the possibility of a relationship, the revelation of Sonny in most cases results in a beautiful friendship.
I hope one of these days I will met a brave man who will love me for me, a combo deal, until then I will continue going for dates and acquiring friends, after all there is no such thing as having too many friends.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
One of the Hardest Times
A couple of months back, Sonny was hospitalized.
The longest five days of my life. Diagnosis: GASTROENTERITIS
In normal English the boy would diarrhea and vomit everything that went into his mouth. My first visit to the hospital, the doctor gave him something that did not work with him. Next day I took time off and took him back to hospital. At this point Sonny is so low, he isn't playing, eyes bulging, no tears when he cries, his skin looks like its sagging and only wants me to carry him.
Initially when we went back they diagnosed Rota-virus but I had taken him for both shots. The doctor recommended we discontinue the initial meds that had been prescribed and start on a new course of meds. I did not want to argue much with her though I told her I thought that the situation was more serious.
As a mother when it involves your child and its a subject you don't understand such as medicine, its better not to argue, you never know...
So despite the doctor finishing with us, Sonny and I did not make a move, when the nurse came back to tidy up I requested to see another doctor, I had nothing to lose - why go home to watch my son suffer and grow weaker in my arms? When the other doctor came half an hour later, after examining Sonny she told me something about dehydration and how dangerous it was for him given that for nearly 2days he had been losing fluid (the boy had not even gone for a short call all day). She quickly got me to sign admission forms as she and a nurse tried to look for a vein on Sonny so that they could insert the drip. Sonny is a fighter. Despite being so weak, they had to get a second nurse and I to help pin him down.
At this point tears are just rolling down my cheeks, I could not stand the amount of suffering this little boy was going through. As they wheeled him to the children's ward and settled us in for the night (for observation) I was overwhelmed by so many emotions.
The hardest thing any mother can go through is watch her child suffer, worst of all if there is nothing you can do about it. Sonny being a chubby boy, so getting a vein was always a problem. Throughout our stay at the hospital, he experienced a lot of pain every time there was blood in the drip or when he pulled out the needle.
Sonny and I spent 5 long nights at the hospital. I did not have medical insurance at the time, so one of my bosses at the time mobilized my work mates and with the assistance of one of my colleagues fund-raised part of the bill.
I learnt a lot about children during that time. I also learned the value of true friends, Sonny and I got closer, and I understood the strength of a woman.
I cannot say for sure if they admitted us because they wanted to get rid of the stubborn woman. Whatever the case, the whole ordeal resulted in Sonny losing 5 kg and a great phobia for doctors.
The longest five days of my life. Diagnosis: GASTROENTERITIS
In normal English the boy would diarrhea and vomit everything that went into his mouth. My first visit to the hospital, the doctor gave him something that did not work with him. Next day I took time off and took him back to hospital. At this point Sonny is so low, he isn't playing, eyes bulging, no tears when he cries, his skin looks like its sagging and only wants me to carry him.
Initially when we went back they diagnosed Rota-virus but I had taken him for both shots. The doctor recommended we discontinue the initial meds that had been prescribed and start on a new course of meds. I did not want to argue much with her though I told her I thought that the situation was more serious.
As a mother when it involves your child and its a subject you don't understand such as medicine, its better not to argue, you never know...
So despite the doctor finishing with us, Sonny and I did not make a move, when the nurse came back to tidy up I requested to see another doctor, I had nothing to lose - why go home to watch my son suffer and grow weaker in my arms? When the other doctor came half an hour later, after examining Sonny she told me something about dehydration and how dangerous it was for him given that for nearly 2days he had been losing fluid (the boy had not even gone for a short call all day). She quickly got me to sign admission forms as she and a nurse tried to look for a vein on Sonny so that they could insert the drip. Sonny is a fighter. Despite being so weak, they had to get a second nurse and I to help pin him down.
At this point tears are just rolling down my cheeks, I could not stand the amount of suffering this little boy was going through. As they wheeled him to the children's ward and settled us in for the night (for observation) I was overwhelmed by so many emotions.
The hardest thing any mother can go through is watch her child suffer, worst of all if there is nothing you can do about it. Sonny being a chubby boy, so getting a vein was always a problem. Throughout our stay at the hospital, he experienced a lot of pain every time there was blood in the drip or when he pulled out the needle.
Sonny and I spent 5 long nights at the hospital. I did not have medical insurance at the time, so one of my bosses at the time mobilized my work mates and with the assistance of one of my colleagues fund-raised part of the bill.
I learnt a lot about children during that time. I also learned the value of true friends, Sonny and I got closer, and I understood the strength of a woman.
I cannot say for sure if they admitted us because they wanted to get rid of the stubborn woman. Whatever the case, the whole ordeal resulted in Sonny losing 5 kg and a great phobia for doctors.
How it All Began...
The truth is everything starts in the mind. I remember wondering how it felt being pregnant especially when I saw pregnant women dragging their feet in town. I had just turned 30 years, a bit disillusioned by the many dreams that had not come true. In fact other than the phone calls from my siblings living abroad, it was the most boring birthday I have ever had.
When I called SG (father of the child) to ask him if we could meet, though we had not been having a casual fling I felt unsure of what his reaction would be. We had a few drinks but I could not sermon the courage. So as he was walking me to catch a Matatu, we walked hand in hand in silence/tension - could he sense the bomb that was about to explode- I just blurted out "Am pregnant!" To date I still cannot decide whether the look on his face was shock, disgust, disbelief or just indigestion. But I did not hear from him for a full week and when he called, it was to tell me that I like guessing a lot and that I needed to do a proper, professional pregnancy test, never mind that I had already done the home test (which according to him is jua kali).
So I complied. We met, went to a chemist- where I did another home pregnancy test and Surprise!!! am pregnant. This time SG was visibly and thoroughly angry. He stormed out of the chemist and left me there.
Two weeks later he called to apologise. I remember crying my eyes out as he talked about how we were not ready to get married given his perceived lower middle class status leave alone have a baby...at 30 and him 34 how much more ready can we be??? there are many ways of refusing to take resposnibility but this was as lame as it gets.
He even suggested that I have an abortion. Of course he would cater for everything and he knew a nice safe place...blah blah in between the sobs I heard very little, to me the conversation ended when he suggested I have an abortion. Of all the rules in the bible this is the one I was not ready to break, ignore the fact that I was already fornicating which also disobeys the bible! What SG did not know is that despite the embarrassing situation on my own or with him, I had already made up my mind to keep the baby.
I called CN who was already a single mum. Her reassurances that these things are kawa and that 90% of the girls in church are pretenders was comforting. She also told me that the best thing I could do for myself and the baby was to join an Internet community (in Kenya though we- single mums are now a common phenomenon, there is little or no support for single mums except each other and of course the Internet).
Sonny (my son) is turning 2 this August. The minute I accepted my lot was the day I loved the boy whole heartedly with no reservations. This unexplainable love has helped me defend him and myself from negative people and hurtful words. When I made up my mind to succeed in my new status, life became beautiful and fulfilling.
Single motherhood is and can be scaring when you are at the crossroads of decision. If you are a single mum I would urge you to keep and love the baby. In Kenya children are seen as 'his' but the child/pregnancy is only half of him, the other half is you. It takes two to make a baby. Make up your mind to be the best mother you can be then sit back and watch the pieces fall into place.
When I called SG (father of the child) to ask him if we could meet, though we had not been having a casual fling I felt unsure of what his reaction would be. We had a few drinks but I could not sermon the courage. So as he was walking me to catch a Matatu, we walked hand in hand in silence/tension - could he sense the bomb that was about to explode- I just blurted out "Am pregnant!" To date I still cannot decide whether the look on his face was shock, disgust, disbelief or just indigestion. But I did not hear from him for a full week and when he called, it was to tell me that I like guessing a lot and that I needed to do a proper, professional pregnancy test, never mind that I had already done the home test (which according to him is jua kali).
So I complied. We met, went to a chemist- where I did another home pregnancy test and Surprise!!! am pregnant. This time SG was visibly and thoroughly angry. He stormed out of the chemist and left me there.
Two weeks later he called to apologise. I remember crying my eyes out as he talked about how we were not ready to get married given his perceived lower middle class status leave alone have a baby...at 30 and him 34 how much more ready can we be??? there are many ways of refusing to take resposnibility but this was as lame as it gets.
He even suggested that I have an abortion. Of course he would cater for everything and he knew a nice safe place...blah blah in between the sobs I heard very little, to me the conversation ended when he suggested I have an abortion. Of all the rules in the bible this is the one I was not ready to break, ignore the fact that I was already fornicating which also disobeys the bible! What SG did not know is that despite the embarrassing situation on my own or with him, I had already made up my mind to keep the baby.
I called CN who was already a single mum. Her reassurances that these things are kawa and that 90% of the girls in church are pretenders was comforting. She also told me that the best thing I could do for myself and the baby was to join an Internet community (in Kenya though we- single mums are now a common phenomenon, there is little or no support for single mums except each other and of course the Internet).
Sonny (my son) is turning 2 this August. The minute I accepted my lot was the day I loved the boy whole heartedly with no reservations. This unexplainable love has helped me defend him and myself from negative people and hurtful words. When I made up my mind to succeed in my new status, life became beautiful and fulfilling.
Single motherhood is and can be scaring when you are at the crossroads of decision. If you are a single mum I would urge you to keep and love the baby. In Kenya children are seen as 'his' but the child/pregnancy is only half of him, the other half is you. It takes two to make a baby. Make up your mind to be the best mother you can be then sit back and watch the pieces fall into place.
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