Experience

Would life have been easier if we know how it would turn out even before we uttered the first word. What if all my life I grew up knowing that I was destined to become a great author, a motivational speaker and life coach to kids, how different would I have lived my life? What if after hustling with all that school I was in fact just meant to be a 'Mama Mboga' with a chain of vegetable stands in every estate or a Mitumba hawker?

Experiences are good. They mold you into the person you eventually become. For instance growing up, my school life was miserable academically I was just an average most times below average student, which exposed me to the wrath of most of my teachers. However, I really loved reading and writing both English and Kiswahili and History was my favorite subject. In those three subjects I religiously scored A's. Thus I understand very well what an average student goes through. So what do I do with this understanding? One thing is for sure...So help me God, Sonny will not go through the whole 'make it in school or be a failure in life' speech I had to listen to on numerous occasions. Although school is important - I do not oppose that, but it is not the be all and end all of life. This is something we only realize when we are through with school. I Mean look at 90% of self made multi-millionaires and billionaires in this country, those who have not inherited the wealth from their fathers/ancestors are not highly educated. Even the likes of Mariga the soccer guy, or musicians like Jaguar, Jua Kali and the like do not hold PhD's in their fields or any other fields.

I recently learnt that within the average human being, lies between 500-700 talents. This came as a shock to me as all along I have struggled to pin point my talent. But after this lesson, where my eyes were opened, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that indeed I am a mini maestro in many things.

Today's blog is not restricted to single mothers but applies to all mothers, why put your young one through unecessary pressure rather than developing their already in-built talents.

Shoulders to Lean On...At a Price!

The other day I meet an old friend actually a mutual friend of Sonny's dad (SG) and I. MM, our friend was so happy to see me after almost a year of what he insisted, was me avoiding him. When SG and I started seriously dating, MM cautioned me about SG telling me that I would not be an exception to the long line of broken hearts, 'Majuto ni mujuku' - regret always comes long after the wise words of caution. I have since discovered I have a thing for bad boys - Ok maybe not the extremely bad but the exciting bad – if at all that is a justification. I tend to see these guys as fun loving, out going but unfortunately they lack depth and run at the first sight of responsibility. 

Anyway that is not what today's story is about. 

So MM after the usual glee that follows an I-told-you-so discussion, went all serious. He knows and understands me very well. We began talking about funny stories that have been in the media lately and the story of Samuel Wanjiru's mum came up. It was amazing how many men came up claiming that they were Sam's father. But why do such things happen, I mean what would make so many men come up after many years of absenteeism and would the same thing have happened if Sam was your regular Joe?

In my opinion it all boils down to reactions. How people react to different situations. Take for instance how men react to the revelation that a woman is a single mother. I am not referring to the kind hearted souls who have your best interest at heart, am talking about  a majority of the men see the woman as an easy catch. They pursue with comforting words, use her and leave her more vulnerable than she was.

Women’s reaction – In most cases desperation and a feeling that she needs to redeem herself or correct her mistake. From my observation, when a woman is dumped after declaring that she is pregnant, it is very easy for her to get a second pregnancy from a different man altogether, or in some cases the same guy who damped her in the first place.

This is because there is a feeling of vulnerability that comes upon a woman struggling on her own. Also, the number of “shoulder’s to lean on” increase almost overnight. I mean the number of fake male empathizers who surfaced and to ask me what kind of loser would let go of a beautiful lady and a dotting son. Of course the empathy was limited to fun with no stings attached. Fortunately for me I was too disillusioned by the departure of SG to even go out with anyone, plus I had sworn off men for at least one and a half years. Also for me I had a session with my pastor that went a long way in sobering me up. I will be eternally grateful.

Back to Sam Wanjiru’s Mum, perhaps after the real dad of Sam dumped the her, she probably went for the nearest shoulder (s) to cry on. Of course such comforting sessions maybe accompanied by a roll in the hay. She may not have thought such harmless fun would haunt her so many years later.


If you find yourself in the same situation I would recommend that before you go for comfort to people who have none of your interests at heart, then you are left stranded and humiliated by the number of "fathers" claiming ownership not only of the physical assets but also of the investment of time, sweat and tears that it has taken to raise the child, Think twice and even thrice or four times if necessary.

Breast Feeding

This week we are celebrating breast feeding week. As part of my job, I visited the Wangige Health Center which was representing the Central province health office.

In addition to supporting this cause, I was there as a proud mother who breast fed exclusively for six months and continued breast feeding until Sonny was 1 year old when he voluntarily stopped. According to the pediatricians exclusive breast feeding for six months is one of the main reasons behind sonny walking at only 10months and talking understandable phrases by the time he was 1year 8months. Also I would like to add like any other mother out there, my child is very bright and cute.

Like any other natural process breast feeding is surrounded by many unknowns and a few little tricks:

1. Breast Milk is not satisfying. The child especially if a boy will not get satisfied on breast milk only, that is why he cries so often. This is the biggest misconception I came across. True, Sonny would suckle until sometimes I would feel dizzy but Sonny was not the problem I was. Initially, my diet was poor because some of the foods that were being pushed my way were in my list of non favorites but I discovered a lot during my breast feeding days.
2. The best stimulant for milk production is water. Yes its true. After several attempts with porridge three times a day, water worked great for me. My best friend who is a nurse one day just recommended this simple product after assuring me that I wouldn't faint for lack of something heavy. Not only did water open up the breast taps but it also helped me a lot with the constipation that accompanies a normal delivery. Although eating a lot of Njahi's (black beans), porridge and endless amounts of soup has certain benefits to the body, water is instrumental in 'manufacturing' sufficient amounts of milk.
3. Dry and cracked nipples. BONJELA the magic healer. I was given this tip by my Ob-gyn. I went to him in so much discomfort and pain after only having the baby for one week at home. He recommended Bonjela which would not affect the baby since it is edible and would not hurt my cracked and dry nipples. I did not suffer from dry and cracked nipples during the entire breast feeding season because every time I felt my nipples were dry, I applied this cream and the pain would subside. However, this worked for me, consult your doctor before doing the same.
4. Invest in a nice breast pump. In case you have no access to one you can easily express by just squeezing the breast with warm water.
5. If one has not breast fed for a certain amount of time the milk does not become stale. Well, at least from Sonny's point of view there was no change. Maybe a pediatrician out there can correct me. What I do know is that hygiene and cleanliness of the breasts is important.

Whatever, little tricks that you learn along the way breast feed! breast feed! breast feed!

Single Mothers are Worse Than Married woman

Today I was listening to a hot debate that was raging on radio that single mothers are worse parents than married mothers. The debate had been raised by a single mother whose neighbor (a married woman) does not allow their children to play together, reason being since the single mother's child does not have a father, the little girl should be some sought of outcast. I couldn't help but wonder who thinks like that in the 21st century??

But before we get all judgmental on the neighbor let us examine some of our everyday behaviors. 

Recently, there was an interesting court case where four sisters have sued their brother for taking possession of their father's property claiming that since he was the only boy he had a right to the property (both parents were deceased). The man was arguing that the sisters would get married and have rights to their husbands properties. Suppose one of his sisters was a single mother, whose property would she have rights to?

It is very unfortunate that despite the fact that the government has introduced free primary education with the sole purpose of reducing illiteracy levels and thereby hoping to improving how we think and possibly our interactions with the rest of the world, there are still people who think in the same way our ancestors thought. And by the way they are very good at pointing out the spek in a single mother's eye and forgetting the log in theirs.

One married women called into the radio station first bragging that she had the perfect marriage, then expressing her disgust on single motherhood...you would think that the callers were crucifying their neighborhood prostitute. "Nyumba yenye haina mwanaume ni nyumba ya umalaya - A house without a man is a whore-house". These comments were uncalled for, considering that motherhood is universally a hard job be it in marriage or not. Another man called in and commented "kwani huo dame alpo panua miguu ovyo ovyo alikua ana fikiria aje - what was the single mother thinking when she was spreading her legs carelessly". I mean, even the lingo used is derogatory. Or does it mean that married women have sex with their legs tightly crossed? No offence, but how come no one blames the irresponsible idiot who took off at the first sign of responsibility? Why can't they blame him for not keeping his instrument firmly out of trouble? Or he was just a lucky passerby? 

I don't expect society to sympathise with a single mother because single motherhood is not a disability, all am asking is for married women to shed off their holier-than-thou attitude.

Life is not only unpredictable but fate has a way of making a person eat their words.

Suppose this very married woman one day discovered that actually her 'perfect' husband was actually a father to other children outside their 'perfect' marriage, what would she say then? Suppose life and its circumstances resulted in her getting a divorce from her husband, wouldn't she be a single mother who is a divorcee all in one?  What would be her sentiments then?
Until something has happened to you, one cannot fully comprehend how much composure it takes to reorganize and then try and make life as normal as possible.

Children born to single mothers need a father figure and to be accepted as children, no strings or tags attached such as illegitimate which means criminal/dishonest. If anything the person to blame is solely the father for not taking care of his family which is his God-given role on this earth.

"Oh You Have a Kid..."

It is so hilarious when I meet a guy who is showing some interest in me, with time as we continue to get acquainted, I break it to him that I am actually a mother. It takes less than 3minutes between the shocked/disappointed facial expressions, trying to remain calm and deciding that it is not worth it and bolting out the nearest exit. It cracks me up every time. At least it is an easy way for me to sieve out false starts before I take him seriously only to be disappointed.

I wear the title SINGLE MOTHER like a badge of honor. Anyway, as mentioned before, I am already a statistic. I love Sonny to bits and since he is already here,  I am no longer just single I come with a package i.e. its a combo deal. So if a man cannot stand the heat he might as well get out of the kitchen!

So why do guys behave like cowards, yet they want to be respected. I say this in reference to men who are like SG (Sonny's dad). Its so easy for them to impregnate, so easy to recommend abortion, but so hard to be a father. Is responsibility that hard?? Or is responsibility wired into a woman's DNA but an acquired thing for men? These are the questions I ask myself. I see and hear stories of guys who sit back and wait for their wives to bring home the bacon. If this is a short term arrangement caused by job loss, illness e.t.c It's understandable, after all marriage is a team sport but if its a permanent thing where the lazy, couch potato man takes advantage of his hard working wife that's a whole other story... anyway I digress.

The other day I met a guy who had the charm of a prince and the swagga of a Knight in shinning armour. Needless to say I was smitten. From experience I know the existence of Sonny should come as a by the way a few dates later. I know a man reading this may be shaking his head and thinking that women are liars and wait for a man to invest emotionally so that the man is cornered. But that is not the case. I have learnt that the guys I meet although they show up for our 'dates' scouting for the possibility of a relationship, the revelation of Sonny in most cases results in a beautiful friendship.

I hope one of these days I will met a brave man who will love me for me, a combo deal, until then I will continue going for dates and acquiring friends, after all there is no such thing as having too many friends.

One of the Hardest Times

A couple of months back, Sonny was hospitalized.

The longest five days of my life. Diagnosis: GASTROENTERITIS


In normal English the boy would diarrhea and vomit everything that went into his mouth. My first visit to the hospital, the doctor gave him something that did not work with him. Next day I took time off and took him back to hospital. At this point Sonny is so low, he isn't playing, eyes bulging, no tears when he cries, his skin looks like its sagging and only wants me to carry him.


Initially when we went back they diagnosed Rota-virus but I had taken him for both shots. The doctor recommended we discontinue the initial meds that had been prescribed and start on a new course of meds. I did not want to argue much with her though I told her I thought that the situation was more serious. 
As a mother when it involves your child  and its a subject you don't understand such as medicine, its better not to argue, you never know...


So despite the doctor finishing with us, Sonny and I did not make a move, when the nurse came back to tidy up I requested to see another doctor, I had nothing to lose - why go home to watch my son suffer and grow weaker in my arms? When the other doctor came half an hour later, after examining Sonny she told me something about dehydration and how dangerous it was for him given that for nearly 2days he had been losing fluid (the boy had not even gone for a short call all day). She quickly got me to sign admission forms as she and a nurse tried to look for a vein on Sonny so that they could insert the drip. Sonny is a fighter. Despite being so weak, they had to get a second nurse and I to help pin him down.


At this point tears are just rolling down my cheeks, I could not stand the amount of suffering this little boy was going through.  As they wheeled him to the children's ward and settled us in for the night (for observation) I was overwhelmed by so many emotions. 
The hardest thing any mother can go through is watch her child suffer, worst of all if there is nothing you can do about it. Sonny being a chubby boy, so getting a vein was always a problem. Throughout our stay at the hospital, he experienced a lot of pain every time there was blood in the drip or when he pulled out the needle.


Sonny and I spent 5 long nights at the hospital. I did not have medical insurance at the time, so one of my bosses at the time mobilized my work mates and with the assistance of one of my colleagues fund-raised part of the bill. 
I learnt a lot about children during that time. I also learned the value of true friends, Sonny and I got closer, and I understood the strength of a woman.

I cannot say for sure if they admitted us because they wanted to get rid of the stubborn woman. Whatever the case, the whole ordeal resulted in Sonny losing 5 kg and a great phobia for doctors. 

How it All Began...

The truth is everything starts in the mind. I remember wondering how it felt being pregnant especially when I saw pregnant women dragging their feet in town. I had just turned 30 years, a bit disillusioned by the many dreams that had not come true. In fact other than the phone calls from my siblings living abroad, it was the most boring birthday I have ever had.

When I called SG (father of the child) to ask him if we could meet, though we had not been having a casual fling I felt unsure of what his reaction would be. We had a few drinks but I could not sermon the courage. So as he was walking me to catch a Matatu, we walked hand in hand in silence/tension - could he sense the bomb that was about to explode- I just blurted out "Am pregnant!" To date I still cannot decide whether the look on his face was shock, disgust, disbelief or just indigestion. But I did not hear from him for a full week and when he called, it was to tell me that I like guessing a lot and that I needed to do a proper, professional pregnancy test, never mind that I had already done the home test (which according to him is jua kali).
So I complied. We met, went to a chemist- where I did another home pregnancy test  and Surprise!!! am pregnant. This time SG was visibly and thoroughly angry. He stormed out of the chemist and left me there.

Two weeks later he called to apologise. I remember crying my eyes out as he talked about how we were not ready to get married given his perceived lower middle class status leave alone have a baby...at 30 and him 34 how much more ready can we be??? there are many ways of refusing to take resposnibility but this was as lame as it gets.
He even suggested that I have an abortion. Of course he would cater for everything and he knew a nice safe place...blah blah in between the sobs I heard very little, to me the conversation ended when he suggested I have an abortion. Of all the rules in the bible this is the one I was not ready to break, ignore the fact that I was already fornicating which also disobeys the bible! What SG did not know is that despite the embarrassing situation on my own or with him, I had already made up my mind to keep the baby.

I called CN who was already a single mum. Her reassurances that these things are kawa and that 90% of the girls in church are pretenders was comforting. She also told me that the best thing I could do for myself and the baby was to join an Internet community (in Kenya though we- single mums are now a common phenomenon, there is little or no support for single mums except each other and of course the Internet).

Sonny (my son) is turning 2 this August. The minute I accepted my lot was the day I loved the boy whole heartedly with no reservations. This unexplainable love has helped me defend him and myself from negative people and hurtful words. When I made up my mind to succeed in my new status, life became beautiful and fulfilling.

Single motherhood is and can be scaring when you are at the crossroads of decision. If you are a single mum I would urge you to keep and love the baby. In Kenya children are seen as 'his' but the child/pregnancy is only half of him, the other half is you. It takes two to make a baby.  Make up your mind to be the best mother you can be then sit back and watch the pieces fall into place.

Distorted Perceptions

According to the dictionary, perception means an individuals understanding based on their senses. This understanding may not necessarily be correct as it is based on feelings or stories a person has heard.

In the Kenyan context, nowadays, being a single mother is an everyday thing. In fact my aunt from Shags has severally told me that it is better to be over 25years old with a child than 35years, childless and husband less.
I do not entirely agree with her but I must admit that life is fuller with Sonny by my side.

I appreciate my independence more when I meet with my miserable married friends, some of whom are battered by their husbands in front of the kids. I even have a friend who had a miscarriage after her husband punched several blows to her 5month old pregnant belly. Although I helped her move out to a safe place, one month later she was back with her battering husband who only gave her a week or two off before he resumed with the battering. I see no reason raising Sonny up to think that women are bunching bags or door mats.

Don't misunderstand, I am not saying that all marriages are miserable, am just saying that single-hood is also great. As a single mother my decisions concerning both my fate and that of my son are final. I don't have to bounce off my ideas to anyone unless its absolutely necessarily and mainly I only do it for advice and I consult an expert in the field. I don't have to listen to little white lies, question why someone is coming home late and most of all I don't have a fool telling me that need to loose weight, dress in a certain way and other related nonsense.

Sonny resembles his father in many ways. For instance he is very light/fair skinned while I dark- typical African look- but, so help me God I will not raise a coward who cannot take responsibility of his actions. I don't know the first thing about being a man, but I do know responsibility and respect.

Back to the perceptions issues. Many married women are withstanding a lot of crap from their husbands. Am not talking about the little tiffs and misunderstandings that happen in any relationship, am talking about physical   abuse and mistreatment as well as sexual immorality! Jesus himself allowed for divorce on grounds of sexual immorality (check it out in Matthew 19:9). These women stick it out in misery and pain thinking that they are doing it for the children. The truth that they do not say is that they think being a single mother seems like the hardest thing. This is just a perception. Single motherhood is fun! Parenting is not straight forward whether in marriage or in single-hood. But I believe that it is harder when you are wounded and not thinking straight. In a later blog I will talk about getting organised after the baby comes home (post natal) where i'l give a few tips on organizing yourself to get the most out of life and ensure your child is taken care of with or without the help of a husband.

Getting Organised Ante-Natal

When it hit me that I would be a single mum, I had to fight with many emotions. The greatest for me was shame and vulnerability.

I was ashamed because I thought that I should have known better. I was raised in a strict Christian home where we were taught (read implied) that sex happens only after marriage. This was so engrained in me that I used to look at single mothers and judge them. I saw them as either careless or highly promiscuous. Yet here I am in the same situation.

I felt vulnerable because the whole parenthood thing seemed too hard for one person, I imagined that my married friends had it easier. The feeling of vulnerability came about because I did not know what to do, where to begin or who to talk to objectively, a person who would not condemn me to hell.

The first five months of my pregnancy were very lonely as I tried to figure it all out. Then I dusted my self up and did the following:

1.  I forgave myself.  This was the first thing I did and it helped me get organized. I knew that I am not promiscuous, I just got carried away. I needed a fan base so I broke the news to people who had unconditionally supported me throughout the years. Also the more I talked about it the more I got used to being pregnant. By forgiving my self I accepted the situation fully and decided that my life would move on uninterrupted, despite the fact that I was now a statistic – Single Mother.
2.  Research. I went on the web and goggled all I could get on mother hood. I looked for sites that talked about the various stages of pregnancy and what I needed to do at each stage. I checked out videos of a normal pregnancy and a C-section. I was not getting a good salary then so I decided I would go the natural birth way plus it seemed easier.
3.  Ante Natal clinics. I went for my clinics without fail.
4.  Take care of yourself. From the internet I learned about taking folic acid supplements (which cost a fortune by the way), exercise, diet, how to sleep etc. I followed the rules to the letter. I joined a forum where I read other mothers stories and shared mine.
5.  Love your bump. When I forgave myself and realized that I was alone in this, I also realized that if I did not accept the child he would be more alone in the world, with a mother who did not love him. Loving my unborn child was not automatic, neither was it easy because I had so much resentment towards his father.  I had not planned for him (the pregnancy) and to some extent he was an inconvenience or an interruption to my life. I had to talk to him daily and tell him how I looked forward to meeting him, that I loved him, that we would be great friends.
6.  Living at home. This meant breaking the news to my parents. I first told my mum who did not talk to me for two full weeks and when she did it was about how much shame I had put on the family. My dad reacted so differently. He welcomed the child and said that the baby whether male or female would need a father figure and he was ready to do it. I was shocked, I had expected my father to send me packing and as far away from his house as possible but he instead embraced the whole situation and even offered to sponsor the hospital bill! Living at home is not easy. Infact for a person used to her own independence living at home is a nightmare. But I have had to swallow my pride on numerous occasions and comply to my parents rules, not for myself but for Sonny (my son)
7. Shopping. As a single mum you bear the burden of cost, on your own. I took a walk to Biashara Street and found out all the things a baby needs. From the fliers they gave me I ticked what I thought was necessary. I them went to Gikomba. At Gikomba one can get everything at a cheap price, same quality but cheaper than even Toi in Kibera. Consider a hat or a feeder/bib only Costs 5bob. The secret is to go early in the morning when they open the bales and to buy a complete outfit at a time i.e. a trouser, t-shirt and sweater each costing between 30-50bob. There is even a big market inside Gikomba where I bought brand new vests, nappies and ‘suruali za mukojo.’ I went home and washed them thoroughly and disinfected them. Then I ironed and packed them ready for the baby.  By the time I was seven months pregnant I had done all my shopping except for the actual bed. The entire shopping plus beddings, basins for bath time and plastic bottles cost me Ksh 5500.
8. The hospital bill. This worried me the most because when I was about 6 months pregnant I quit from my job. I checked out a few hospitals. I visited their labour wards and peeped into their empty delivery rooms (its amazing how willing the nurses are at giving a tour on request). I booked a hospital long before my due date and paid a deposit. I did all I could to ensure mine was a normal delivery but I was not ignorant of the fact that emergencies happen, so my dad’s offer was my plan B.
9.  Prayer. Despite the fact that I have put this as the last thing, it is actually the most important and the first thing I did. Without prayer I would never have accepted and loved Sonny. I got good deals, tips and extra ordinary wisdom on what I needed to do simply because I prayed. God enabled me to have a normal delivery because I asked him for that. Most important He still takes care of sonny and I to date.